Steps in Life .... !!

I woke up from a nightmare today. It sucks when you have to wake up from a bad dream. Even worst when you are chased in your dream by something, but instead of running I turn back and fight … so daring … haha ! I would do the same even in real life, why run when you can fight, why hide when eventually you will have to face it one day. I force myself up from my bed despite that I am still very tired and sleepy but since I am already awaken by the dream I had, then I might just as well wake up earlier today. I walk myself into the bathroom holding my towel to take my early morning bath. The icy cold water runs down my body from the shower and I just stood there for awhile with my eyes close, letting go of all the load that is on my shoulder. My shoulder felt weak, for a moment there I wish that it can be so light all the time. I put on my garment and off I go taking my Presario V3000 heading to COE café. Find a place near a corner plug in my Presario and connect to the wireless internet connection, plug in my ear phone and listen to some nice music that Aries send me. As I was checking my own blog for any new update from the blog that I was following, I come across this new update that was posted by Jona “Misunderstanding ~~ really do affect all of us “. As I read the post, each more sentence that I read, cut through my heart even more, memories run through my mind like flowing water. There are a few part of the story that really hurts me but yet touch me at the same time. It hurts me because it reminds me about the situation that I have to go through in life.

“ Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets ….. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling “

“ Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." “

“ Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? “

“she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash they again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" “

“ I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? “

“One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything.

The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. ”

“In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull e paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.

"LD, you are pregnant?"

Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scares in each other's heart. “

“At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time; I cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us? “

These are part of the story that I've read, it reflect strongly on me, it’s not about the mother problem, but … some part of it … sigh …!! If only memories can be deleted as easy as pressing the keyboard delete and enter ... life won’t be so hard … ! don’t ask me how those stated above reflect my past … but my life screw up much more then you can imagine !!

Knotation Chha ^^
Posted Date : 16 May 2009
Posted Time : 11.37am
Location : COE Café Uniten